Facts & Info

Why BDSM Submission is So Satisfying

Submissive Woman on Leash

If you prefer dominating, if you’ve never been sexually submissive, or found it uncomfortable or boring, you may wonder what other fetish lovers are talking about when they proclaim the beauty and peace of subspace or express their fulfillment as something profound.

Maybe you were left cold by Anastasia’s discovery of her submissive side and her total surrender to Christian Grey, and just don’t get why people find submission sexy and satisfying.

This is not to persuade anyone to take on a role they aren’t excited by, but to explain different approaches and reasons that some lovers find kinky submission so satisfying.

What Makes Submission Satisfying

It’s a religious experience.

You may hear subs using strangely religious language. Worship, prayer, altar, union, transcendence. It’s not unusual for submissives to express their sexuality in terms of spirituality rather than physical or material pleasure. Many speak about spiritual fulfillment or an altered state of consciousness.

Amanda, 24, says, “Total submission is like communion, not just with my lover, but with the whole universe.”

Benjamin, 49, says, “I never found myself or understood my connection with God until I was completely united to the will of my goddess. I had the overwhelming epiphany that we are all connected, all one, when I finally surrendered. The place I am in after an intense session is transcendent. It’s as if I was meditating for hours.”

Submission is a healing journey.

I hate to generalize and pathologize kink seekers as a puzzle that only makes sense if they have been abused. I don’t think everyone who gets off on pain or has a unique predilection was molested or traumatized.

But that said, I do acknowledge that sex is often ritualistic. It can be “ritual theater” as I sometimes note, a place where we work out the past on our own terms.

Sexual healing doesn’t mean it’s always sexual trauma, either. Sex, including sexual submission, can be powerful medicine against something else—coping with a chronic medical condition, or losing a parent young, or struggling to find the right fit for work.

“I never understood the submissive thing until I survived cancer. I had to absolutely surrender and come to terms with the idea that I might die young. It sounds dramatic, but that’s how I can explain it. It’s like I am re-enacting that honest, elemental, and terrifying place, and then feeling everything in my body and coming back to life.” Tyrone, 27

Submission is part of human nature.

We can invest deep meaning in various kinks, but sometimes it’s just human nature of the biological variety.

Lots of controversial studies show that women feel the most satisfied sexually if they are mildly submissive. These are usually stated as women “falling for” stereotypical social roles. Yet racy romance novels are all about being ravished. Rape fantasies are common among women. And watching Wild Kingdom shows the female as both very powerful and in command of male attention, and totally helpless against his brute strength. Are human animals any different?

What about men? Submission can be just as rewarding for guys. This is also natural—the biological animal may be ferocious, but he is an absolute slave to HER sexual will. At a biological level, man exists to serve.

“I’m totally helpless when it comes to a hot woman walking by. I’m just sitting there and next thing, my adrenaline is off the charts, my dick is hard, and I’m ready to do anything she wants.” – Jack, 33

“I tried every kind of sex, and it was fun. But my second marriage in middle age was to a very traditional man. Just the idea that I am available to him whenever he wants it has made me come alive in ways I can’t explain. Ten years of this when I’m supposed to be drying up. I’m begging him for fifty more.” – Meredith, 56

Are you submissive? What makes it so satisfying for you? Please share!

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