Facts & Info

Why Women Want Casual Sex

Man on Top of Woman Kissing Her

I was chatting with a chef I’d met online about all the delicious things I was hoping he would do for me. We had met on a kinky dating app so the last thing I was expecting was this question:

What’s a nice girl like you doing looking for a casual sex?

Umm… what year is it?!?

I used my standard comeback for such comments: “I’m not a nice girl,” I told him. “I’m a very busy, very horny, and very independent woman.”

Although he was totally yummy right up until that minute, all the sizzle suddenly went out of our chemistry. I wondered who he was expecting to meet on a kinky hookup app. “Nice” girls looking for lasting love and ready to start a committed relationship and a family? What was he planning to do with those women—use them and throw them away?

Read: Best Kinky Dating Sites

Women and Casual Sex

Maybe it really was just an innocent question, badly phrased. Some nice guys can end up sounding like asses with a dumb comment, but behind the scenes they are genuinely perplexed. They might be socially conditioned to think women don’t really want or need sex, kinky or otherwise, or that we have ulterior motives.

Maybe women having casual sex seems too good to be true if you have a background that is either ashamed of sex or afraid of women. Maybe some of you have been conditioned to think that women don’t have the same needs and desires and so we must want something else.

And maybe it is true that there are lots of things women want out of casual sex, and it was just a question with an awkward connotation in the word “nice,” something lost in translation from his first language. I didn’t end up going out with him, but maybe next time I’ll give the benefit of the doubt.

Why Women are Looking for Casual Sex

So, do women like casual sex? Hell yeah. Take a look at some of the many reasons women want casual sex.

1. We Want Sex

Here’s the big reveal: hint, hint, it is spelled S-E-X.

While I’m the first one to admit that men and women are different—wired differently, differently motivated, differently gifted, differently designed—I’m also the first to remind anyone who’s listening that women are sexual creatures. We all are. With the relatively rare exception of some people who are asexual (ace), we are all sexual beings, young or old, male or female, genderqueer, tall or short, thin or fat, celibate or slutty, hot or not.

We all have varying degrees of sexual needs and desires. We have varying approaches for how we express our desires or handle our horny hours. Some of us choose to express sex only along with love or a long-term relationship, some choose many partners, some choose a mix, some choose celibacy. And some of us enjoy casual hookups, including lots of women.

Read: Meet Kinky Women for Hookups

There are lots of reasons why women like casual sex and seek it out. But the number one reason is the obvious one. We seek out sex for the sex.

2. We Want to Clean out the Cobwebs

Not everyone has casual sex routinely. Some women are seeking a long-term partnership, but haven’t melded with anyone. To sustain themselves in between relationships, or to enjoy sex when it’s been a while, a woman might call an old casual lover or meet a new one, just to sustain them.

woman having casual sex
Both men and women enjoy casual sex.

3. We Want Revenge

Not all reasons are good ones. There are times women seek out casual sex to avenge an upset, or seek revenge on someone who has wronged them sexually. This is nothing new—there are movies, novels, Bible stories, folklore, and real historical dramas centered around this motivating factor.

4. We Want to Rebel

Casual sex can be a liberating declaration, an act of rebellion. Some women choose casual sex to shake off the shackles of a bitter marriage, a bad divorce, a strict religious upbringing, or any other institution or value that they perceive as limiting their sexuality. Many women find liberation in kink and BDSM practices.

5. We Want Drama-Free Encounters

There are times when we want to invest time and energy in finding the right connection for a longer haul. But sometimes we don’t have the time or strength for complications, confrontation, disappointment, or maybe even love. Maybe we are studying and can’t risk falling for someone, even if it’s perfect, because we need to buckle down for medical school.

Maybe we can’t risk our own bad habits—one girlfriend always ends up paying the way of the men she falls hard for, and she was broke. Maybe we want to avoid your bad habits because we are too busy looking after an ailing relative.

Whatever the reason, casual sex is sex where we don’t owe anyone anything—not time, not attention, not fidelity, not explanation, only basic civility. Sometimes that is the kind of connection we need most.

Read: How to Keep Your Kinky Hookups Casual

6. We Want Attention

Lots of women are seeking casual sex for the attention. And lots of you guys say this as if it’s a bad thing.

So what? Some people write poems for attention, or try out for American Idol. Some get drunk and noisy. Some get straight As and their family pats them on the back. Some look for higher paid work. We all need accolades, rewards, and attention in various ways. I love attention from sexy men and women.

7. We Want Companionship and Affection

Just as casual friendships mean a tennis partner or mummy-park coffee mates, casual sex can fill a need for companionship and affection without getting in too deep. We are all social creatures as well as sexual ones. I don’t always have time for deep friendships or the spine for intense ones, but I still need to connect with other human beings.

Read: 4 Reasons Why Kinky Sex with Friends Works

Some of my casual lovers are my best friends, even if we don’t spend a lot of time together. I have a few hobbies and interests that mean connecting with people who enjoy those activities, too, and sometimes there’s an added spark. Cooking is one of them!

Do you enjoy casual sex and relationships? What appeals to you?

Tell us what you think!

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Kink Lovers is the online magazine for kinky people into BDSM, fetish, and kink. If you want to explore your kinky side, spice up your love life, or meet new kinky partners - enter the world of Kink Lovers. Enjoy D/s relationship advice, kink education and resources, BDSM and kink dating tips, fetish facts, and reader confessions.

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