Just the Tips

5 BDSM Dominants to Avoid

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Are you concerned about a dom(me)’s behavior? Consider these red flags for BDSM dominants.

The most respectable dominants will sincerely seek a balance between their demands and desires, and the absolute protection and safety of whoever they are playing with.

The Marquis de Sade apparently did NOT give a single fuck about the boundaries and safety of the women he caught for his kinky desires. He’d ensnare young ladies who would be in the wrong place at the wrong time, who would then fall under his spell… until he spanked and flogged the living hell out of them.

That is a red flag and a sign a dom is not right for you—someone who gives zero fucks about your limits.

Warn your friends and enemies if you encounter this type of dominant in real life, because that is not what BDSM is about in any way. Let’s eliminate the unworthy candidates so we can start to focus more on who is right for you.

Signs a BDSM Dominant is Bad News

1. They Ignore BDSM Basics

Is this person listening to my safe words, my body language and my requests to slow down or change something?

Although this doesn’t need to be outwardly articulated every time you play, it HAS to cross any serious kink person’s mind during any and every scene. If they cannot adhere to the very basics of BDSM, then leave and let them know when and why you are leaving, during or at the end of a scene.

You have every right to be safe, and if someone can’t stop when you say “red!” then they’re not right for you, or anyone.

Read: Tips for Safe BDSM Dating

2. They Move too Fast

Another aspect of D/s relationships is the names that you use together. And this is a very mature and important conversation. If someone starts calling you names or nicknames—praiseful or derogatory—before asking you what names you like or dislike, they aren’t the right person for you.

Just because their last sub loved to be called “fuckslave” or “cumslut” doesn’t mean you have to accept it. If they assume that they can call you anything they want before asking, their presumptuousness will bite you in the ass later on, and not in a good way.

Read: 3 Reasons to Explore BDSM Slowly

3. They Use Intimidation Outside the Scene

It’s simple, but I will state this louder for the people in the back: If your dominant does NOT know where the scene begins and ENDS, then run for the hills!

NEVER allow your BDSM dom or domme to act with the same unrestricted force and power outside a BDSM play scene as you do with them in a scene. Anything else that you have allowed outside should be VERY clearly established, just to keep the relationship crystal clear.

If they beat your ass til it’s bruised and red in a private scene, but drunkenly try to do it again at your BFF’s birthday party because they told someone their a dom? Major red flag! Dump them!

Read: Boundaries to Discuss in BDSM Relationships

4. They Don’t Practice Aftercare

Crucial to all healthy kink is to not only be great at the pre-conversation stuff where you establish safe words, boundaries, rules and regulations, but also in what follows after the fun is done and the toys are put away and the lube is drying.

Anyone who does not know how to provide consistent aftercare and who avoids all the VITAL conversations needed to guide people from subspace to regular reality are not the people you want in charge.

Read: All about BDSM Aftercare

5. They Focus mostly on Sex or Having Multiple Subs

This one is controversial, but I can say it has enough truth to share: Do not get with someone who is MESSY. On every level of these interacting sex realms, there is overlap like a Venn diagram.  Polyamory can connect to BDSM and BDSM can connect to porn and porn can connect to sex clubs and sex clubs can connect to sex work and sex work can connect to polyamory, and so forth.

A dom who is trying to have three subs but only one is truly happy, and two of them are super new to BDSM and one is just trapped and confused because the dom is also trying to boost their OnlyFans account while trying to convince one sub to go to Thailand—hard pass on this person, please!

They are clearly trying to do way too much, and you don’t want to get dragged down in that kind of hot mess.

It’s challenging to find the right fit for you, whether you’re a BDSM dom or a sub, because not a large percentage of the population is into kink, but there is an always ever-expanding BDSM community out there that slowly but surely does the good dark sexy arts.

Look for new partners on the best BDSM dating sites recommended here at Kink Lovers.

One day, you will find the right one.

Read: 5 Tips for Doms: How to Be a Good Dominant

xo,
Addi “Malcolm Lovejoy” Stewart

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Kink Lovers is the online magazine for kinky people into BDSM, fetish, and kink. If you want to explore your kinky side, spice up your love life, or meet new kinky partners - enter the world of Kink Lovers. Enjoy D/s relationship advice, kink education and resources, BDSM and kink dating tips, fetish facts, and reader confessions.

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