5 Tips for Doms: How to Be a Good Dominant

Wondering what it takes to be a dominant?

Seems like more and more people are exploring their “erotic dark side,” and that’s really a wonderful thing to see. I never knew I was into BDSM until my mid-thirties, but I had always been intrigued and curious about it.

I never thought BDSM was gross or weird or scary, even though there was that time I stumbled into a very exclusive kink dungeon in the basement of a local club and had no idea where I was or how I was supposed to get out—it was wild as hell!

Sex is power, plain and simple. It takes energy power to achieve an erection, and it takes energy power to receive penetration. There are a thousand other ways that humans can exchange energy with each other on the sexual levels of life and love expression—role play, toys, fetishes, sex positions, sex clubs, swingers… the list goes on.

How to Be a Good Dominant

Being dominant in a D/s relationship is an example of the respectful use of power. It doesn’t matter what kind of dom or domme you are, as long as your subs are leaving the scenes you enact with them in a space of joy and pleasure—without any mental or physical damage—the right thing is being done for good clean healthy sexy fun!

How to Find a BDSM Slave or Master

1. Provide Safety

Nothing is more important than safety when spanking, slapping, whipping, flogging, caning, shocking, biting or scratching a lover. Know how to do EVERYTHING you do in a safe and controlled way. Make sure all necessary items are accessible if first aid is required or anything else during a scene.

Provide safety on every level possible: mental, physical, social, emotional, spiritual, and sexual. Power may be exercised and pain administered but NEVER outside the boundary limits of what the person wants. That’s what safewords are for. Don’t play without them!

Read: Everything You Need to Know about Safewords

2. Learn Your Sub’s Limits ASAP

Their limits will let you know what areas you can express and explore pain and pleasure in as their dom. You are not allowed to go farther than they want. Technically, the dom is the driver, but the sub is the AUTOMOBILE. If the car doesn’t want to move anymore, you must get out.

Their pain threshold is your thermometer and your time clock. Once they reach the boiling point and/or run out of tolerance time, then it’s game over—hit the showers. Every game of sports has a limited time it can be played, and this is no different in kink!

Read: Boundaries to Discuss in BDSM Relationships

how to be a dominant
Be the Dom your submissive needs.

3. Be Consistent in Your Dominance

You can be surprising and unpredictable, but be consistent in your PRESENCE. Do not mentally wander away from the scene you’re in. Stay focused, stay here, stay now. Hold them in your hands, and let their body know you are able to be trusted.

Have a steady stream of ideas and energy to give your bottom. Nothing worse than a flaky dom, there’s enough flakes out in the muggle world of dating and sex! Be a reliable source of powerful pleasure, please & thanks so very much.

Read: How to Build Trust in Your Kinky Relationship

4. Communicate before You Expand Boundaries

If you want to try new stuff with someone you’ve been playing power exchanges with for a while, then ASK them what they want to try. See how they feel first, because they will be the ones experiencing the pain and pleasure.

Afterwards, check in with how they experienced the session. LISTEN and accommodate their expression with your truth. Can you help them get to a new level? Can they do that for you? Will you do it the next session? Will you go out together to find new toys? Do they need to read and study on how to prepare for a scene? Do you have to study to learn how to do a new rope tie or how to handle a fucksaw properly?

To be a good dominant take it slow. Talk it out. Don’t get selfish. And do it all together!

Read: Be Dominant without Being a Dom

5. Provide as much Emotional Support as Sexual Satisfaction

No matter how long, short, deep, shallow, intense, orgiastic or individual your scene was: a good dominant will provide AFTERCARE to their sub when the scene is done. You take them up to the mountaintop by whipping their ass, and then you gently take them down the the mountain with your kindness and guidance. You hug them, caress them, and protect them as they return from Subspace to regain their senses and bearings.

This should be done for at least 10 or 15 minutes immediately after every kink scene. Don’t go for a shower before you do your aftercare and leave your sub alone, quivering in a puddle on the floor while having aftershocks of spankings and floggings.

Read: BDSM Aftercare: What’s It All About?

You can have a whole evening of aftercare if you need or want—watch a movie, take a bath, cook them a meal, whatever feels right. But MAKE SURE you, as the dominant, remain one hundred percent committed to being compassionate after conquering them with all that wonderful dominance.

How dominant are you? Take our poll: How Dominant Are You in Bed?

Sincerely,
Addi “Malcolm Lovejoy” Stewart

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