If you’ve just realized that you are kinky, or you are getting ready to seek out a relationship with someone who shares your kinks, you might not know where to look.
The good news is that kinky people are everywhere!
There are lots of us, and generally speaking, we are approachable, community-minded, open, and eager to meet you, too.
How and Where to Meet Kinky People
1. Become candid and open about your kinky interests.
Lots of kinky people keep their private lives on the down low. While they aren’t necessarily hiding anything about who they are, they don’t feel the need to announce their sexual interests and tastes to everyone they come into contact with. Even so, without knowing all the details, their families and friends probably know that they’re into alternate sexual expressions.
For example, the folks at the office, and even my parents, know that I practice polyamory and like a little hanky spanky, although I never go into the details where it’s not appropriate.
The point being, you don’t have to come flying out of a closet with a rubber harness on and a pony tail sticking out of your ass to announce your preferences on a loudspeaker.
Read: Dos and Don’ts of Coming Out of the Kink Closet
But letting the people you DO know and hang out with that there’s more to you than meets the eye gives them the chance to show you their kinky side as well, or lets them know they can invite you to the annual kink community BBQ, that kind of thing.
You don’t have to come out swinging. Just stop hiding the library book about the care of your PVC wardrobe, and let your besties know you are at leather events or kinky lunch meetups—with all your secrecy, they currently assume you are at AA. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
Wear a little kink on your sleeve—a tell-tale symbol on a ring or something rubbery or chain mail—that will give like-minded others a way in through conversation.
2. Don’t assume the people you DO meet aren’t kinky.
The thing is, kinky people aren’t generally somewhere else. They’re where you are. Today you went to work, the dentist, and McDonalds. There were lots of kinky people everywhere you were!
Remember, the odds are very high that anyone you meet has some kind of fetish or special sexual interest. Your dentist for sure! Your dogwalker. The man always watering his garden on the corner, and his hot wife.
Understand that every community has a kink community. Find it.
Read: Signs Your Date Might Be Kinky
3. Use fetish-specific and kink sites for online dating.
There are literally thousands of online dating sites and apps that cater to kinks and fetishes of every conceivable ilk. Whether your desire is for BBW in red rubber, vampire-goth girls who want to piss on you, or hardcore BDSM couples, there is a kinky dating site with folks who share your bent—looking for you.
For ideas, see our favorite sites for kink dating:
4. Put it out there on your mainstream dating apps, social media, and websites.
While it’s definitely a good idea to join kink sites, especially if you have very particular interests sexually speaking, most of the mainstream dating apps have lots of categories to check when it comes to kink and fetish sexuality.
BDSM is NOT rare, and a huge percentage of “regular” people on “regular” dating sites are into some kind of kinky play.
Make sure you make mention of your preference for kinky sex partners where appropriate, and say something wherever it fits about wanting to meet lovers who identify as dominant, submissive, enjoy pony play, or whatever it is that floats your boat.
Read: How to Find a Kinky Hookup Tonight
5. Attend fetish balls or kinky nightclubs.
This one is more obvious. If you see fetish events, sign up and get out there. Invite some open-minded friends, and see where things go.
If you think your town doesn’t have this kind of thing, understand that almost all places do. It might be in a church basement or a neighbor’s rec room rather than a trendy BDSM club—keep your ears open for swinger parties and kinky friendship jamborees. Biker bars may actually be leather hubs, for example.
Read: How to Find BDSM Events and Have a Good Time
6. Sign up for a kinky munch, meetup, or mingle.
Wife-swap parties and nightclub events are always fun, but often they are all about jumping right into the action. That’s great, but if you’re looking for more casual and informal connections, without cracking the whip straight off the bat, meetups and mingles are all about building community.
Read: Everything You Need to Know about BDSM Munches
7. Use kinky social media to meet kinky people.
By following a variety of social media influencers who are interested in the same things you are, you can be sure to find long-distance and local friends with similar interests.
You can meet kinky people and like-minded friends in kinky Facebook groups. Get acquainted with kinky neighbors and friends all over the world. Some groups are regional: Midwestern Rubber Lovers, Florida Fetish Rendezvous. And some are global: Kinky Writers, Fetish Shoppers.
I’ve also found some awesome BDSM and fetish pages on Facebook that bring kinky content to my newsfeed every day. Do you “like” or follow any great BDSM pages on Facebook?
See who is near you and chat, arrange a drink, or ask them about BDSM events.
8. Mine your dating discards for kinky just-friends folks.
How often have you dated a wonderful person but the sex spark wasn’t there? We’ve all had dates or encounters where the chemistry wasn’t right, but we wished it was. Think about your dates who you have described to friends as “she’s wonderful in every way. Smart, beautiful, fun. We got along great. We were into the same kinks, but the sex just wasn’t there.”
Read: 8 Tips to Find Your Kink Community
Here is a gold mine of kinky people for friends, community, and companionship. If you aren’t looking for a lover but want more like-minded friendships, don’t forget to look here. Not every kinky person we meet is a date or a lasting love but can be a good friend when we need one.
Where do you meet kinky people? Please share in the comments!
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