We all want to know what our lover’s kinks are, right? We want to know so that we can indulge them and share our own kinks in return. But what about when someone else in our life—a family member—has kinks that come to light?
Here are some letters from kink lovers who share this experience and my advice if this hhttps://kinklovers.com/bdsm-dating-tips/how-and-when-to-share-your-kinks/appens to you.
When You Discover a Family Member is Kinky
“Trust me, I’m very open minded and nothing shocks me. I want my lovers to have a dirty mind and be into the same stuff I am. But when I found some links on my twenty year old’s laptop that I borrowed when my computer was down—all about choking, breathing stuff, and really hardcore sissification stuff—I nearly threw up. I was suddenly worried about what I did wrong raising him.”
“I’m a long-time polyamorous guy and into the kinky stuff, mostly BDSM. My dad died a few years ago, and I was surprised to find out my mom had started dating—not sure why that took me aback, but I guess I assumed she was too old to feel that way! Not cool, I know. I said I would help her figure out the sites and that’s when she told me that she knew her way around—she said she and Dad had an arrangement, and she’d been dating for years. She told me he loved to hear about her adventures, especially when they involved her dressing up in leather. I am totally weirded out.”
“I was at a fetish meetup and ran into my SISTER. I don’t know how to process this, even though she’s a grown adult and her private life is none of my concern.”
Full disclosure: I was surfing some kinky dating sites, and I saw my aunt’s profile—begging to be tied up and sodomized by men 6’5” and taller.
My aunt is pretty colorful so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised or shocked, but this was the same lady who made me oatmeal with banana slices and took my temperature when I was home from school sick.
How to Deal with Kink in the Family
It can be hard to accept the sexuality of family members even if we are ultra tolerant and know everyone has a private side and secret sexual desires. We are sexual beings cradle to grave, and it plays itself out in different ways. But we compartmentalize the roles of family members and those closest to us, and can find it difficult to see them outside of that lens.
Even if we SHARE the exact same fetish, there is a part of us that wants to protect our loved ones from any potential harm. Kinky sex is taboo, dangerous, risky, and thrilling, and we don’t want our kids and parents taking any chances! Our parents never had sex of course, and we were adopted! Picturing them tied up and paddled in fishnet stockings might not be imagery we can easily forget.
When we find ourselves uncomfortable after a discovery or big reveal about a loved one, the first thing we can do is just admit the discomfort and sit with it, allow it. So what? You feel a bit weird finding out your brother enjoys taking a fist up his ass—who wouldn’t?
Remember everyone has the right to their private kinky self and that doesn’t change just because you found out about it. Whenever the thought comes up and bothers you, just practice letting it go, and telling yourself again that sexuality is diverse and that we are all sexual beings. Don’t think too hard on the specifics. Eventually you’ll get used to it and move on.
Only if someone is in trouble do you need to intervene or say more, and that’s not likely. Auntie Kathrine has been taking care of herself for a lot longer than she has been been taking care of me!
Read: My Mom Is Kinkier Than Your Mom
Have you had the experience of learning a little too much about a kinky family member? Please share in the comments.
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