Are you turned on by dominating in the bedroom, and maybe outside of it? Ever wonder what it takes to become a BDSM master?
What Is a BDSM Master?
Becoming a BDSM master begins with understanding what a BDSM master is, what a BDSM master does, and what, exactly, you, as a potential BDSM master, want and need. It also means taking into account your role as a BDSM master in relation to the needs and role of submissive dates and lovers.
A BDSM master is someone who takes the dominant role in BDSM power exchange relationships. A master is usually understood to be a male dominant figure, because women usually go by “mistress” or prefer other terms like queen, goddess, or femdom, but there are no specific rules in the kink communities that this has to be the case. Being a BDSM master is understood to the dominant role in a Master/Slave or M/S relationship or scene.
Read: BDSM Roles: 33 Dominant and Submissive Roles
Becoming a BDSM master is about the responsibility, knowledge, skill, and experience in a dominant role. Someone who is dabbling in fetish life and love, or inexperienced, or just identifies as dominant, or who is a “top” is not necessarily a master.
“Master” implies “mastery” or someone who has mastered a craft. Think about the word “masterpiece” or “masters of fine art” meaning Da Vinci rather than raw talent hoping to becoming an artist. This is the implication of someone becoming a BDSM master.
Read: The BDSM Dom: 16 Types of Dominants in BDSM
Master vs Dom
Being a BDSM master has several connotations depending on context. For example, it implies a male dominant, but this is not always the case.
BDSM master is sometimes used interchangeably with “dominant” or “dom” but in a larger context it is not the same thing. Many submissives call their dominant “master” because it is psychologically and sexually satisfying to them to do so, but becoming a BDSM master usually means becoming a master of BDSM!
In other words, it is about experience, expertise, skills, knowledge, communication, and responsibility. A BDSM master understands his role and the role of his submissive, is experienced in using bondage or sadomasochism skillfully and safely, may specialize in one or more fetishes.
Read: The BIG List of Kinks: 120+ Fetishes Explained
A dominant is anyone who identifies as dominant and feels sexual and psychological satisfaction on the dominant side of the power exchange relationship.
Sometimes these terms are used to mean that a dom is someone who is dominant in a scene or during sex only versus someone who is someone’s master in a total power exchange relationship or 24/7 BDSM relationship.
If you are not sure what someone means by dom or master, it is best to ask for clarification rather than assuming.
Read: BDSM and Total Power Exchange Relationships
13 Tips to Become a BDSM Master
1. Seek Out BDSM Community
If you want to be a BDSM master, you will want to connect with the BDSM community and be part of it. Advocating for yourself and others in terms of acceptance, connection, consent, and knowledge or education starts in relationship with other like-minded people.
You can learn so much about kink, human sexuality, power exchange dynamics, safety, and becoming a BDSM master from the kink community.
Read: 8 Tips to Find Your Kink Community
2. Gain Real Life Experience
Becoming a BDSM master is all about experience, expertise, and wisdom in relationships and in kink. You’ll want to grow and learn in the dominant role and gain valuable experience through real life experience.
Enjoy kinky dominance and submission encounters and power exchange relationships while genuinely seeking to learn how to take charge and dominate.
Practice safety and consent. Learn skills, rituals, scene building, equipment care, role play, dressing, rope arts, new fetishes, aftercare and any other skills you need through your relationships. This is the best way to become a BDSM master, through literal mastery of skills and D/s relationships.
Read: How to Meet Women into BDSM
3. Use a Safety Protocol
Being a BDSM master is all about prioritizing the safety of your submissive and taking responsibility for that. Learn everything you can about the fetish you are practicing or the techniques you or your sub need in bondage or sadomasochism.
Develop and use safety protocols and consent protocols. These might include best practices, skill development, BDSM contracts, safe words and gestures, full communication, and more.
Read: RACK, PRICK, and Other BDSM Safety Protocols
4. Ask Your Sub for Feedback
Becoming a BDSM master means being responsible for, communicating effectively with, and satisfying the needs of your submissive.
The best way to grow as a master is to honor your submissive’s needs and experiences. Feedback is a great practice of anyone becoming a BDSM master because they learn so much from the person their role matters to the most.
Read: Sub Drop Care for BDSM Submissives
5. Find a Mentor
Studying, observing, listening to, picking the brain, and taking advice from someone who is already a master is one of the best ways to become a BDSM master.
Read: The BDSM Munch: Everything You Need to Know
6. Switch It Up
Something really interesting I read and hear in conversation over and over again is how so many doms, dommes, and masters learn more about domination by role playing as a sub. By putting themselves in the shoes of their sub, they gain so much experience and insight into masterful domination.
Read: How to Be a Good Submissive for a Dom
7. Take BDSM Workshops
Learn for life! Start taking workshops on different aspects of BDSM and never stop. Becoming a BDSM master is about constantly growing. Take every opportunity to learn new skills and seek out local and virtual workshops.
8. Attend Conventions
Fetish festivals, BDSM nightclub events, BDSM retreats, and BDSM education or play conventions are great ways to connect with lots of people, learn about new fetishes, see new products, discover new books, blogs, or podcasts, and learn more about domination and mastery.
Read: 11 BDSM Podcasts for Kinky Listening
9. Read Books and Study History
Becoming a BDSM master is about more than knowing how to crack a whip. Understanding human sexuality, fetish history, and human behavior are very important to giving nuance, context, and meaning to your fetish practice.
Read the classics of BDSM and works on philosophy, psychology, and sexuality. Read originals like Sade and mass market popular works, so that you can see what individuals AND the masses are thinking. Watch classic works of cinema on subjects of fetishes and human behavior alike.
Read: 12 Kinky Books About BDSM and Kink
10. Develop Your Own Style
Becoming a master is all about learning from others. But you don’t want to be a carbon copy of anyone else or steal their moves.
Trust your intuition, and build your own style. Follow your curiosity, arousal, and emotional resonance. Grow into your own style in tandem with the power exchange relationship you are in if you have a regular sub already.
Read: BDSM Foreplay: 20 Foreplay Ideas for Doms and Subs
11. Consider TPE Relationships
A 24/7 dominance and submission lifestyle, or a total power exchange relationship, is an amazing teacher. If you are becoming a BDSM master, the full time model means you develop intense relationship skills, responsibility, and communication skills.
Read: 24/7 BDSM: Around the Clock D/s Relationships
12. Self-Assess Your Progress
Using a journal can really be helpful on your journey to becoming a master. Some people enjoy writing philosophical reflections, and some prefer lists or short point notes. Keep track of questions and accomplishments.
13. Be Patient with Yourself
It takes time to become a BDSM master. You may have been born dominant, but no one becomes a BDSM master overnight. Mastering anything by definition requires patience, persistence, growth, and experience.
Don’t be in too much of a hurry to call yourself a BDSM master. Understand that it’s not about the title itself, but about everything that goes into the becoming and being. That’s what makes you a BDSM master.
Read: First Time BDSM Stories: Readers Share Their Experiences
Are you a BDSM master or in the process of becoming one? Please share!
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