Q & A

I Want My Girlfriend to Be My Domme: Q&A

Woman with Flogger in Her Teeth

Dear Jamie,

I’m with a woman I love. It’s been a few years, and both of us are monogamous and want to remain so. We are moderately kinky, nothing too extreme but we enjoy exploring our wild sides together. There’s only one problem: the kink I crave most, is to be submissive while my girlfriend takes control.

Paula wants to deliver, but domination is not her nature. She has tried but we end up giggling, and she can’t bring herself to do what I crave or say the things I need to hear.

Do you have any advice for us, for how my girlfriend can play the domme?

It’s not like I want this all the time. We have lots of “normal” sex, and we have playful romps into various kinks. But I would like to occasionally play out this part of me, and can’t imagine going the rest of my life without. Paula is willing, but it really strikes her funny bone and our dom-sub efforts end up fizzling, not sizzling. – Ian

Thanks for writing, Ian.

I think pleasure and happiness are ahead for both of you, because this is a common desire and there are lots of couples who find a way to play with BDSM that works for both of them.

Since you have already established the fact that you enjoy vanilla sex and other kinks, and your partner is willing to please you, there aren’t really any barriers here to fulfillment except a bit of practice.

Try these tips to stoke her inner dominatrix, and in no time she’ll be cracking that whip!

3 Tips to Help Your Girlfriend Become a Domme

1. Experiment with D/s Roleplay Games

It’s normal for someone to feel foolish at first when taking on another persona. She won’t become a dominatrix overnight, but if you’re both playing new parts it will be easier to navigate the performative aspects of domination later.

Have fun with any and all kinds of role plays, then move toward scenarios where your girlfriend’s role is dominant. Let her be the cop, the doctor, the CEO, the stepmother, etc.

Most people who act, role play, or do improv for fun are awkward at first and then get the hang of it. And by “acting a part,” it can be easier for your partner to let loose and give you what you want, because she’s not playing herself.

Read: Roleplaying Tips for BDSM Beginners

2. Start Domination Slow and Steady

You said you’re not into anything too extreme, but even if you were, you don’t want to start with mummification, ball crushing, or a three-day bondage scene. She needs to find her sea legs and try on command for size.

Some easy ways to start being a more dominant girlfriend include playful things. She can initiate sex when she feels like it—give her permission in advance to “not take no for an answer.”

She can practice turning requests into commands. Instead of “Honey, would you rub my back,” she can say “Put down what you’re doing, and massage my whole body.” Learning to turn a question into a demand is a simple and easy step that can have an exhalating psychological effect for a woman. Demanding oral sex for example often ends up being a huge turn on for both of you!

Read: Switching Roles: The Night I Found My Inner Domme

3. Learn from other Dommes

Find material, including porn, that shows the kind of female domination you’re excited by. This helps your girlfriend become a domme because she doesn’t have to wonder “what to do” or if what she comes up with is silly. Watch kinky porn with her, and tell her exactly what you would enjoy trying, and what doesn’t turn you on.

Read: Tips for Watching Porn as a Couple

Also, make it clear that you will reciprocate with her fantasies and needs too. Let us know how it goes!

Want more ideas for helping her become more dominant? See Tips for Teaching Your Girlfriend How to Dominate You.

Do you have any tips for women who want to become dommes? Please leave a comment.

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